A Journey of Wonder

Reflections on Life Without Facebook

2011-04-25T07:44:00.000-04:00

Hello! to all of my friends. Many of you I have not heard from or connected with in quite a while. Most of you know that I took a break from Facebook, as I decided to give up Facebook for the Lenten season, which for those of you who don't know is the 40 day period before Easter. Well, today is Easter Sunday and technically my time is up. It's really weird but I don't know if I am quite ready to go there yet. Sound strange? Well, I suppose so at first glance but maybe after you read this blog, you will understand my reason better.

Although I am only now writing this on paper......errrr.........I mean on cyber-paper, I actually have been writing this in my head for quite a while. Some time ago, in the beginnings of the lenten season, I mentioned to my friends that I was doing this. I was already noticing after only a few days of not being on FB what a difference it was making in my life! So what was different? You wouldn't believe it.

For starters, I started noticing that my house was dirty!!! HAHA. I mean, I thought I saw it before I was on facebook, but ummm, now it was sooo much more in need of cleaning. So right away, I got to it. Cleaning drawers and closets, the pantry, etc. It's amazing when you first stop facebook, how you go into a sort of withdrawal period. I mean like, the minute something funny happens or something "important" happens in your life, your suddenly seized with an overwhelming urge to open FB on your phone and update your status! Not doing it meant I had to deal with intense cravings and relapse justifications: "It would only be one! It would only take a second! It's so convenient! or Everyone would love to know that!" Yeah right.

Interestingly enough I also realized that I suddenly no longer had an excuse for my kids. Well you know, when you're playing that addictive Treasure Isle game for the 10th time and your child comes to you and says "Mommy, I'm hungry" and you say "Ok, hun, I'll make you something in a minute......right after I finish digging for treasure!!" Well, my kids don't hear that from me anymore, so I have no more excuses. In addition to no more excuses, I have also noticed that I just had more time. Time for me is a precious commodity- it is something that I usually complain that I don't have enough of. It amazed me how much less I could complain when I stopped opening FB.

It occurred to me at some point in time that beeing free from FB was also freeing my mind to think about other things.....like what is something nice I could do for my husband today? or how can I spend some extra time with my kids today?........and that's a big one! My kids have LOVED it. They are loving that mommy is not checking FB statuses every hour on her phone and that she is giving them the attention they need and deserve. No less important, I realized what an example I was setting for my children as a parent. I have decided that I would really rather them NOT think that a good parent stays on the computer all day or checks their smart phone every 10 minutes.

All of these reasons to cut back on FB are good. But here's the real truth for me. I (by no means) would not fit the clinical criteria for addiction to something like FB, but yet I have come to see that something so awesome needs a box. A box with a lid! This experience has helped me to see that unlike other things we become addicted to, where we cannot have them at all or our life would spiral out of control, I CAN have FB but I CANNOT abuse it. For me, I have allowed something so seemingly innocuous to become such a distraction in my life from my values. My values include things like setting a good example for my children, being a good parent, being a writer, and nurturing my spiritual life. And because I have been so distacted, I believe I have been slacking on my values in ways and this is unnaceptable for me. So, I have accepted that I have to set boundaries and limits around this thing so that it does not become a bigger problem.

Within the past 40 days, God has taken me on an incredible journey. So many things have happened in my life that are just amazing. For starters, I quit my job at the hospital a few weeks ago. I made my decision one day and just did it. I cleaned out my stuff, said my goodbyes, left and it was wonderful! Some of you know this already. It just simply had to go. It was time. Since then, my heart has been so much lighter, and I have felt like a different person. I decided that ultimately my mental, emotional, and spritual health is soooo much more important than a paycheck. These are my values. Although I don't have one of those things anymore (a paycheck), I know for sure that I made the right decision. It was like my mom so wisely said "Sometimes you have to close a revolving door". Well, mom I appreciate that because I have thought about what you said quite a bit since then. The revolving door was a door I kept walking in circles in. I kept going in and then coming out and then going in and then coming out again. I wasn't getting anywhere. Once I closed the door, once I turned off the revolving door, God began to show me the other ones. The doors that I couldn't see before because I was going in circles. And boy has he shown me the other ones!

The same week that I quit my job, there was by no coincidence a planned trip for me to fly to Dallas, TX to see my very best friend Shele (don't worry Beck and Pam, you're my bestest friends' too!). She invited me to a woman's conference that was......well let's see......inspiring.........uplifting.........healing......restoring...........groundbreaking for my spirit......there are really no words to describe it. It was there that God clearly spoke to me during one of those awesome songs (see the video clip below for a sample) "My child, I brought you all the way here so I could speak to you. So I could meet with you. I have missed you so much" and HE said soo much more! He showed me so many things! But here has been the most awesome revelation for me: He showed me that no matter what I think, my plan and my husband's plan is NOT what is being laid out......instead it is GOD'S plan. He clearly stated to me "This is my plan and only my plan. I know the plan and I am leading you in the right direction. Do NOT fear" Oh.....He said that Fear word. FEAR is something I have suffered from for so long.... and I refuse not to be led by it anymore.

So now, in the last 40 days of my break from FB, silly as it may have seemed for me to do so, I have realized that God has had me on a journey that has been preplanned, preordained, and beyond my imagination. A journey where He is already opening so many doors for me and my family. A journey of preparation and devotion. A journey of sacrifice and focus. A journey of prayer, reflection, and meditation. A journey of leading and setting examples. A journey of simple obedience. He is preparing my husband and I for a journey someplace else.....literally! But I can't say what, where, how, or when....just know that this is not my plan....nor is it my husband's plan....it is God's Plan. And my spirit is so delighted.

Facebook....a blessing...... but also a worldly distraction from those things we value. I encourage all of you to consider this.......after all, everyone does not really care how many times I have washed my hair in a week, or how much my tank of gas was! Maybe me telling you about my experience will encourage you to consider what size box to keep it in too.

(Tip: Scroll down to the bottom and stop the music before playing the video.

My apologies that the sound is not great.

The bass speaker was quite powerful

and my phone just simply had a hard time

with it. But you can see GOD there. Enjoy!)

Be strong and take Courage

2010-12-01T23:25:00.000-05:00

Here is a song I have always loved. It has given me hope many times when I had none.

Be Strong And Take Courage
lyrics

Artist - Don Moen
Album - Various Songs
Lyrics - Be Strong And Take Courage

Be strong and take courage
Do not fear or be dismayed
For the Lord will go before you
And His light will show the way

Be strong and take courage
Do not fear or be dismayed
For the one who lives within you
Will be strong in you today

Why don't you give him all of your fears
Why don't you let him wipe all of your tears
He knows, He's been through pain before
And He knows all that you've been looking for

So, be strong and take courage
Do not fear or be dismayed
For the Lord will go before you
And His light will show the way

Be Strong and take courage
Do not fear or be dismayed
For the one who lives within you
Will be strong in you today

Nothing can take you out of his hand
Nothing can face you can't command
I know that you will always be
In His love, in His power you will be free!!

So, be strong and take courage
Do not fear or be dismayed
For the Lord will go before you
And His light will show the way

Be Strong and take courage
Do not fear or be dismayed
For the one who lives within you
Will be strong in you today

Grieving and Rejoicing

2010-09-11T01:06:00.000-04:00

It all started this afternoon when I arrived home from work. The thought came to my mind that I might want to take the boys to see a movie this evening, just for fun. Well, instead of going to a movie, I decided to rent one from the Redbox at the store. (We have come to enjoy the Redbox alot lately. :) It just so happened that when I was about to pick my movie, I ran into a Doctor that I work with and he suggested a movie to me. I took a chance and rented it. It was the movie "My name is Kahn". I brought the movie home and began watching it around 9:00 or so.

Wow, what a movie! I cried. No...... actually I sobbed throughout many portions of that movie. It moved me very deeply. I experienced laughter and I felt pain. It was an experience that for me, represented so many truths. That movie is about soo many things! However, the main theme that struck me was how we as people can turn against an innocent man so quickly- out of anger- making unfair judgments based on only outward signs: a heritage, a religion, an ethnicity. The movie was about 9/11, it was about a man with Aspergers and his life struggle, it was about people stereotyping people, it was about the goodness of a person's heart. It was all of those things. I feel strongly that my interpretation of the movie will be one of those in which God will explain a little bit about it to me slowly over time.

What struck me the most about this movie was when it ended and I sat quietly on the chair with swollen eyes and a lump in my throat. As I sat there thinking about it I reached over for my phone and noticed the date! I then realized the significance of the moment. The time on my phone was just after 12:00 AM on September 11, 2010. September 11th! That's when I knew that God was burdening my heart with a message.

When I remember September 11th, my heart feels as if it wants to break in two. It is a sad heart. A grieving heart. If I feel this way, then how much more does someone else feel who had a loved one who died or were somehow closely connected to the trauma! I can only imagine. I do believe that God takes the pain of these tragedies and turns it into something good in the end. Maybe the good was to make a movie like the one I just watched, to help open the eyes of those who are blind with anger and hatred, to remove the veil from their eyes. God is like that. He likes to give new perspective. He likes to refresh minds.

So on this day, September 11th, 2010, 9 years after the tragedy; let us grieve properly. Let us have a time of silence and pay respect to those who sacrificed their lives either willingly while rescuing or unintentionally through the tragedy. Let us spend a moment reflecting on what God has taught us from that day, that very tragic and traumatic day. Let us shed the tears that need to be shed and let us rejoice for those who are no longer suffering. Most of all- take time to grieve because grieving is very important and it is a natural process. Grieving is the beginning of healing. I asked myself, "Is it normal that I should feel this way after watching such a powerful movie?" and then I realized Of course it is! It's God's Holy Spirit speaking a message to me.

God Bless us all and I pray that he will send his Guardian Angels to watch over you at every corner, guarding your every step.

Everywhere and Forever

2010-05-14T22:58:00.001-04:00

Many years ago I found myself sitting on a beach in North Carolina watching the waves roll in, the seagulls dancing around, and the sounds of everything the ocean has to give. I wasn't the only one on the beach that day. I was among several friends who were there with me- all taking part in a campus ministry retreat. It was meant for us to reconnect with our love for God and to commune together as a family. We worshiped together and prayed together. And on that day, many of us sat on the beach or played in the sand together. We were just happy to be sitting in God's presence as a family.

I walked around that day in awe of the Spirit of God that I felt was near me. My feet dug into the sand as my toes scrunched and stretched back and forth in it, almost as if I was digging a moat with my toes. The sand was cool to my feet and the sun was warm on my head. I felt close to God that day just sitting there in silence before Him and his awsome greatness of the ocean. I always feel close to God there. The ocean is my place to connect with Him. It is where I can hear his voice the clearest and I can feel the overwhelming peace and joy of His Spirit. I breath in the salty air, taking large deep breaths, filling my lungs with salty and sweet air. The seagulls speak to each other and so carefully dance around the waves that are edging in to shore to constantly. They are so careful at times to not get their feet wet.

That particular day, I was crying out to God in thankfulness for the many blessings in my life. This was a deeply spiritual time for me. It was a time in my life when I began to believe in the ability and desire of God to answer my prayer or the prayer's of others in a way that is astounding at times. Because God is astounding. He is just indescribable. So on the day when I was quietly praying to God and walking on the beach, I came across a shark's tooth larger than the size of a silver dollar! No kidding. Now,... my family knows that I have always been the best at finding sharksteeth- even little tiny ones. But this day was different. On this day I saw right before my eyes the largest shark's tooth I had ever seen in person. It was just laying there! Ready for me to pick it up! I felt sooo lucky. I wish I had a picture of it but I remember it was gray and it had beveled edges up and down both sides. It was pretty amazing.

When I found that shark's tooth, I remember staring down at it briefly and saying to myself- is that really what I think it is? I was in disbelief at what I saw. In fact, I had thought someone had planted it there. But there was noone around in that moment! I then began to realize that God had answered my prayer that day. It was that he was showing me a sign that he was there and that he was with me.........so he dropped this treasure down from the sky to me.

Over the years I had actually forgotten about that shark's tooth, until the memory of that experience recently lurched it's way back into my conscienceness. In fact I don't even know if I could find it now! Its hard to believe that someone could lose something so special. But once I was reminded of that day in North Carolina again: sitting on the sand listening to the ocean waves crash, the wind blowing my hair in my eyes, the seagulls flying by, the coolness of the water as it edged to shore again and again.........I was brought back to that place of Holiness once again. It's that place of Holiness where God is. God is in there. He is in the ocean and the mountains. He is in the valleys. He is in the deserts. God is in the ordinary and he is in the extraordinary. God is in the fancy and he is in the plain. God is in the lonely and God is in the loved. He is everywhere and forever. That is what the ocean reminds me of: everywhere and forever.

I pray that you will discover the shark's tooth in your spiritual walk. I pray that you will find the treasure he longs to give you. Let us open our ears to hear him, let us open our eyes to see him, let us open our mouths to taste him, let us open our hearts to feel Him. Because he is everywhere and He is FOREVER.

It's not about what you want

2010-05-08T16:40:00.000-04:00

Recently I was spending time in prayer to God and asking him to take care of a situation for me at work. I have had many struggles at work lately and sometimes it seems that God has me in the desert. I know that I can have a tendency to get "in my head" and get so absorbed in my thoughts, that I am distracted from listening to God. Well, on that day I guess he decided he had to say it loud because I suddenly heard this incredibly loud and powerful voice say "Stephany, this is not about what you want, this is about what I want!" (And NO for those of you who are wondering: "Is she hallucinating?") HAHA!

Wow. I was floored....silenced.....I realized that I had been praying for my will to be done at work and all along God is trying to do His will. I quickly apologized and prayed that he would forgive me. God really spoke clearly to me that day. It was a total and intentional interruption of my racing thoughts. It was like I was carrying on a conversation with myself and he just butted in. HAHA. He knew that is what I needed.

How many times do we pray for our will to be done and not his will? It's like we feel the need to control every aspect of our lives. Perhaps, we have this need for control so that we can avoid facing our fears? What is it that we fear so much? Why do we fear not being in control? I mean, how much control do we really have? Sometimes I believe we really have none. We are at the mercy of the God who has all the control. Don't we always say "God is in control of the situation"........or "If it is God's will then it will happen"......or "God will determine what happens in our future"...or "God will lead us in the right direction". I could go on forever with examples. If we truly believed in these statements we make so often, then WHY ON EARTH would we still have fear?! Sometimes I get angry at God because I feel or believe he is not acting on my behalf or not acting fast enough! Who am I to decide? I mean, how can I see the big picture? the final plan? the blue print? We can't unless he shows us! But it is so easy to become frustrated and to place blame and to become angry at Him. When I believe that sometimes all he wants is for me to say "Ok, Lord I am willing".

I KNOW that God is in control. I believe he has "the whole world in His hands". But it is the waiting and the listening that is hard. And I have to wonder, are there times when His will is to see us take action? Perhaps he is waiting for us to take our turn- sort of like the pawns on a chess board.....his turn, my turn, his turn, my turn. He gives me the strength and the tools, I use the strength and the tools, He gives me the knowledge and the wisdom, I use the knowledge and the wisdom, He gives me the courage, I use the courage, He gives me the words, I use the words.

In the whole scheme of things I believe that ultimately it will happen the way he wants it to happen. That is of course, unless us humans don't mess it up! Let's have faith and use the tools he has given us already. That's what I am trying to do. I am trying to listen more and talk less often. I am trying to take action more and be more faithful to my word. I am trying to be positive and hope for the best as I continue walking on the path he has laid out. Even if the path gets hard, I will still keep moving. So- if it takes Him speaking to me in a loud voice to remind me of what this is REALLY about, well then no problem!

Healing Parts

2010-03-06T20:56:00.001-05:00

Have you ever realized that there were parts of you that God wanted to heal? Sometimes I forget this. A dear friend of mind just reminded me that she has recently found that God has used medicine to help heal those parts of her that have not been healthy. That idea struck me. I do believe that God can use medicine to heal those parts- even emotional and mental parts and that type of manmade medicine is so important for so many. It is vital. But right now it is the spiritual kind that I believe I need.

While I truly believe that there is more than one part of me that needs healing right now, I feel that in this moment, it is the emotional part that is in the most need. Doing the type of work that I do is very hard at times. So much so that I have had moments in which I have actually questioned whether or not I am doing the right thing. I have asked "Did I get this wrong?" "Did I just do this only for me and not for Him?" Well that's just it. When I get to that place, that's when I know that it IS right. In fact, I am of the belief that when a person is called to something, isn't it supposed to be hard? I mean, what would that mean if it was too easy? Would it be worth it? What would I gain and have to offer to others? I don't know, but I do know that for me the calling to do something oftentimes comes with a burden. It is the cross that I have to bear.

The medicine that God uses is sometimes of the manmade kind and sometimes it is of the spiritual kind. Let me explain. For me, the spiritual kind can sometimes mean bringing certain people into your life to speak truths and words of encouragement. Maybe those people are brutally honest with us. Maybe those people are even a little confrontational. I have experienced both words of encouragement and love, and I have experienced words of hard truth. Both have been part of God's plan for me. Both have brought me to a place of growth and healing. So when I sometimes get to the place where I question whether or not I am doing what God called me to- which is to be a therapist- I realize that sometimes that is how he uses me.

Sometimes as a therapist I feel led to be encouraging and admonishing, sometimes I feel led to speak hard truths. If I worried ALL the time about how people percieved me as a therapist, I believe I might never be what that client needs- to be what would be most helpful for them. I certainly care about developing a working relationship and being engaging so that the client feels that they are heard and understood. That is of utmost importance to me. But sometimes I think that my relationhips with clients represent in some way, a microcosm of God's relationship with me. Sometimes his healing comes through hearing words of encouragement and love and sometimes it comes through hearing the truth. There is a fine line there. A fine line between what's good for my client and what's harmful, and I am ever-so sensitive to that. I want to be what God calls me to be for them and I believe that is to do no harm.

So the question remains: when I am the client and God is the therapist, what does he want to tell me? What does he have to say? Is he wanting to examine my heart and my mind for hurts? Is he wanting to pour healing balm into my wounds? Or is he ready to speak some truths to me. Maybe some truths that I am not ready to hear. I believe all of that is true and more. Right now for me, the spiritual medicine is to hear his voice through others. It is when I am open to letting Him heal me through them, just as I have opened myself up to be the vessel of healing for others.

Wrestling with Giving Up

2009-09-25T02:35:00.000-04:00

It sure has been a while! I bet everyone has assumed that I have just abandoned the blog. I guess I am not your traditional blogger that posts everyday so consider this to be a nontraditional blog. :) Well, I have been so busy that I have not had the time to add to it but on many occasions I jot some notes about something I would like to write about. My busyness is due to working part time, working on a thesis in my "spare" time, working on my certification in addictions counseling, working on my licensure as a professional counselor, reaching other career goals, and of course! keeping up with two growing boys and a very important Husband! SO, please bare with me as I put energy into this journey.

Recently I have had some experience with wanting to just give in. I mean, just totally give up on what I want and need to do. I am referring to times when I have set a goal for myself and then began to second guess my ability to do it. Why do I do that? It's almost like self-torture that's intentional. If I knew that I was going to give in so easily then why did I even bother to set the goal? HAHA- Sometimes these things don't make sense. Anyway- the constant struggle for me at times is to wrestle with not giving up. The battle is so much in our minds! The scripture is true- My mind can be my best advocate and ally or it can be my own worst enemy. How many times do we make excuses for ourselves? "It's too hard, It's just not possible, It's just too much work"......to name a few. We can't think like that! It will never work!

In the process of setting a new goal for myself recently, I have had to come to terms with the idea that if I want to accomplish it, I can't be like the rest of this world.....I just have to be different. I could follow the crowd- sure that's the easy way- but what's the payoff? Well, for me it's more like a negative consequence. I have really begun accepting this new nugget of truth in my life: To accomplish my personal goal I cannot go with the flow- I have to be different- the one who does not look or do like everyone else. It's not about being rebellious, instead it's about doing what's best for me and my family.

I believe that after I have accomplished my goal and look back, I will appreciate what I have accomplished Sooo much more.. because the road was hard instead of it just being easy. Why? Because I have to put so much more perserverance and determination in to getting there. Sure, it will take more effort- it will be harder- it may even be scary and lonely at times but at the end of all that- reaching my final goal will mean so much! One payoff is that when I do get to the end, I will be so much more helpful to those who are experiencing the same thing I have because I can relate to them. I have been there.

So if you are tempted to give in- if you are wrestling with giving up- remember the battle begins in the mind and with Christ you can do all things. With Christ that negative mind can be transformed into a more positive one. Don't give in because it just seems too hard or impossible- instead keep up your motivation, keep your spirit light, keep plugging away- it will make a difference! I have made up my mind, I am moving forward no matter what! I'm not taking NO for an answer to myself and I'm not looking back.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus". (Phillipians 3:12-14)

The secret to this is to do ALL things THROUGH Him (Jesus Christ)- not done in our own strength!

I am David, I am Not Afraid

2009-06-26T09:02:00.000-04:00

In the story of David and Goliath, by appearance David seems so small and powerless. He approaches Goliath with no fear. How? Well, Sometimes I have thought to myself that I would like to be like David- having no fear to deal with the Goliath's of this life. Today I say: I am David. I am no longer wishing and hoping, I am BEing David.

There have been times in my life when I have faced some real giants. I am facing one now. BUT, I have been assured by the Lord that I am not alone and that I can be fearless because I know who I am in Christ. You see, David had no fear of the giant because he knew who he was in Christ. He knew and was very sure of his identity. His identity was being a child of God, a disciple, a messenger of His word, a soldier.

So, when your fear begins to overcome and overwhelm you, remember this phrase "I am David, I am NOT afraid." Scripture says "Perfect love casts out all fear".

Answering to the Call

2009-03-29T23:35:00.000-04:00

I had a wonderful experience last night! I went to a Celtic Woman concert. I first became acquainted with Celtic Woman when they presented one of their recorded concerts on Georgia Public Broadcasting a few years ago. Being a person who deeply appreciates and understands good music, I was overwhelmed by the talent of those women from Ireland. They sing in perfect pitch and they have such depth to their voices! I also became enammerd by the violinist who is so talented- it will leave you breathless. So, for Christmas this year, my beloved husband bought me tickets to see them in person. Needless to say- it WAS overwhelming. True talent, true musicians, true skill. But as I sat through and listened to the songs they sang- I became aware of an atmosphere of worship to God that was present that night. The Celtic Woman sing many songs that are prayers to God or messages with a spiritual meaning. My favorite song right now is "The Call". Here are the words: (Written by David Downs/Brendan Graham)
Verse 1: Sometimes in this life we hear calling from somewhere
Sometimes it is loud and clear; Sometimes it’s so softly there
Sometimes it is in the sea; Sometimes in the sky
Sometimes it’s in you and me; And sometimes it’s a cry
Chorus:
Open your heart
I am calling you
Right from the very start
Your wounded heart is calling too
Open your arms
You will find the answer when you answer to the call
Verse 2: Sometimes it is in desire, Or in the love we fear
When the call keeps calling us; Till the fear will disappear
Verse 3: When we have no dance to dance; The call is in our soul; When we have no voice to sing; Then the call is calling strong

I love the Chorus: "I am calling you right from the very start.........You will find the answer when you answer to the call" How true that is. God begins calling us from the very start and he waits for us to answer. He is calling me to do and to be- and sometimes I feel that I am not ready to answer to the call. Because it is scary to me, or sometimes it seems impossible. But I am learning that I have to be willing to answer to the call anyway- and sometimes I am answering to the call of God when I don't even know it.

In my prayer time, God once spoke to me and gave me a message- a message of part of his calling for me. I have found that he often does this with me. He speaks to me of the things he has for me to do. He shares plans with me that involve my calling. It is all for me to prepare myself and to see that I have a purpose beyond my own imagination. I believe he wants me to be prayerful and wise and to continue discerning. Discernment is very important. This helps us to be aware of things in the spiritual realm. It is also to discern timing, for so often that is overlooked. I believe that God wants everyone to hear this; to be made aware of the special gifts he has you here to bring to this life. The message I believe he has told me was "My child, you have been given the gift of words". It was in the context of praying for God to show me what he has for me to do. What does that mean I thought? It is overwhelming, exciting, and oh wow- so full of responsibility! I do not take this responsibility lightly and it has been resting within my soul for sometime. I feel that I am waiting for Him to show me more into the meaning of this. It is all about listening, putting myself in that place where I am ready to hear his voice, and discerning. I believe that I am trying to answer his call daily. Somedays I am better at it than others. Cause let's face it, I am very much human. BUT, I believe that with an openness and willingness, I can set out to do or be whatever it is that he has for me to do or be.

Answer to God's call- let him show you his calling for your life. The life that is answering to God's calling is full of meaning and purpose. The child of God who is ready to answer to his call desires to please God.

Unblocking God

2009-03-20T23:11:00.000-04:00

"You are what you believe you are" is a common phrase I share with my patients. In my line of work, I spend a lot of time teaching and sharing on the true meaning of self-esteem; what it is and how important it is. You would be so surprised at the number of people who are not sure what healthy or unhealthy self-esteem is or how it impacts them mentally or emotionally! As a clinician and personally, I have come to believe that it is vital that one understand the concept in order to begin the process of restoring what has been previously damaged. "You are what you believe you are" is so true. So many patients that I have met tell me with fervency: "I am a failure! I am no good! Nothing I ever do is ever good enough! Why should I try? What's the point? I CAN'T get over this" Well, no-wonder they are so stuck! I try to help them see that their very own perception of themselves can either be a gateway to healing and progress or a closed door-blocking growth and self-change. I often stress the importance of all of us, always needing to have an attitude of learning and growing- even when we think we know it all! Because it is when we stop learning and growing that we become stale and stagnant.

The isolated pond that has no outlet or inlet is the perfect example of this. There is no circulation and therefore that water becomes stale, smelly, dirty, and full of algae. It thrives with bacteria and what's growing in it is probably not very appetizing for a friday night fish fry! But the pond that has circulation; water flowing out and water flowing in all the time, is ripe for growth and is the birth place of new life. The water is often clean, clear, smells fresh, and is full of living things.

This is how we should be- open to growth and learning about ourselves at all times. I believe that God wants us to adopt this attitude as we go through life. We are never experts. So as I am open to learning about myself, I am developing a realistic, appreciative opinion of myself. That's the definition of healthy self-esteem; believing that I am of worth and that I am a person of value. Some of us who were fortunate enough to be protected from victimization in our lives and who grew up in healthy homes- already possess this trait. But in my line of work- there are many who have not. Because of their past childhood or other adulthood experiences, they often have no beliefs of personal self worth, they have no positive view of themselves. They see themselves as worthless and helpless; a victim, not a survivor.

So- I was thinking about this the other day and I have come to realize that maybe our inability to see ourselves as God sees us is a way that we have blocked God from working in our lives. "Working" in our lives can mean healing pain from the past. Maybe God wants us to view ourselves as worthy-as confident- as loved- as ones who deserve respect- so that he may fully engage in using us for the good of others. Maybe God wants his vessels to be willing to not only be used, but also to care for themselves in every way (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually). I believe that I am "unblocking God" when I am allowing him to show me who he sees when he looks at me. Sinful or not, perfect or not, whatever it is.

Begin to see yourself as a person of worth. You have worth by virtue of the fact that you were born and that you exist. No matter what you have been through in your life- trauma or great success, these things do not define your worth. Your worth is inherent- it is untouched, unscathed, undamaged. One's self-esteem can be damaged in so many ways! But your worth was never absent during those times and it was never taken away from you. It is perfect- whole, and complete. You are a being of worth no matter what. Allow God to show how he sees you- a child of God who is so loved that he "gave his only son" to be sacrificed for us. That is tremendously deep love isn't it? God sees a perfect being- perfect because he created it and perfect in its own imperfections. Allow God to show you what he sees in you so that he may be unblocked from using you in the most effective and fruitful way that he desires. God loves his creation and all that it is in it.

One Family: One Heart, One Mind, One Spirit

2009-02-08T20:49:00.000-05:00

This weekend I had an awsome experience. I got to be part of a large group of worshipping people- many very dear to me- and to witness my father's ordination to the Diaconate. He will be a deacon for about 6 months and then will be ordained as an Episcopal Priest. This journey has been a long one for him and we, his family, couldn't be more proud of him! I wish I could fully describe to you the environment of that ordination service. It is hard to even put into words. It was full of the sights and sounds of a worshipping people- a loud chorus of voices throughout the church singing and praying together in unison....... "Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name........" we all prayed, the ordained in white albs and red stoles, choir members and others in black cassocks, and many other vestments, the sounds of the pipe organ bellowing out through the sanctuary with an accompaniment of trumpets and drums, the flickering lights of many candles, the banners being carried high, the strong and familiar smell of incense, beautiful- heart piercing music coming from a combined choir that sounded like the voices of angels, the tastes of the wafer and wine at communion. Priests and deacons and laypeople gathered for a meaningful service full of prayer, music, and communion. Even throughout all of the splendor of that day, the best part for me was being there with my family. My immediate family was all present for the occasion and had traveled from as far as Charleston, SC. My brother, his wife, my 6 month old nephew, my sister, my parents, my husband, my grandparents. All of us so carefully squeezed together in the pew! HAHA! We were quite sandwiched in and we giggled a little amongst ourselves at how close we had to sit to each other! But I don't think anyone really minded too much, because we are family.

There were many moments in the service when I was overwhelmed with emotion, not just because of the beauty of the service and because of the power of God's presence, but because of the sudden awareness of a revelation that came to me. Right in the middle of the service, God spoke to me and showed me how pleased he was to see our family all worshipping together- in oneness of spirit and heart. I began to see and feel that the act of our family worshipping together in that capacity was pleasing to God in so many ways. Not that there is anything really more uniquely special about our family than another one. Because there were many families there worshipping together besides ours. But the fact that our family was there, despite our differences of opinions and beliefs, and able to come together for one purpose- to celebrate my father's ordination. At the moment of that revelation for me- I felt as if I wanted to freeze the moment and hold it my heart forever. Just to press pause and then to permanently capture the joy that I felt was a reflection of what was in God's heart at that moment, to store it up in a special box where his Glory was so present as the family was united in heart and mind. What a powerful image- God being overjoyed by the joint worship of a family. A family tied together by blood, by marriage, and by love.

That revelation has stayed with me ever since yesterday morning and now I believe that there is an even bigger message to share here. In my field I have studied the counseling theories that involve how to treat the family, as well as ways in which to conceptualize the family. There are many varying theories on how to view the family from a clinical perspective but most of the major theorists agree that in family therapy- the family is a unit and the whole family is "the patient". This is different from some other schools of counseling in which the individual within the family unit is seen as the primary patient, therefore only the individual becomes the focus of the treatment. I personally believe that there is good and not so good in going to either extreme here. But look with me for a minute from the perspective that the family is the primary patient- (not one individual within the family). This perspective looks at the family as a whole unit- with parts that may be dysfunctional or components that are out of balance. Some theorists and clinicians would say that this is evidenced by observing problems like poor communication, a lack of trust, or building resentment and lack of forgiveness between family members. If these were the problems detected, the clinician would then work with the whole family to begin restoring and correcting the family's unhealthiness by improving and opening the lines of communication, helping others to rebuild and develop trust with each other, and helping the family members forgive each other and to move forward. Doing these things could help to restore the balance within this family- helping to make it whole and healthy again. The family is "the" patient. Isn't this a wholistic view of the person? Recognizing a person not as an individual- but as a part of the whole; like one cell among the millions of cells that make up a living being.

So, is this how God sees his body? I have personally been a part of church families that have been very unhealthy and dysfunctional. There was a lack of balance and therefore there was not a oneness of heart, mind, or spirit. There was division and where there was division there was pain. Not just pain for me personally, but pain within many others and I believe, pain in the heart of God. But who is the clinician here? The clinician is God. God can heal the body of Christ- and restore the imbalance. He can open the lines of communication, he can help members of a church body forgive and move on. Of course they have to be willing to do so- but how much does it please God to see a family come together- setting aside their own differences and choosing to worship Him with one mind, one heart, and one spirit? I believe that this weekend God gave me a small glimpse of the joy that it brings to Him. I believe that God will bless those who are able to do this- who choose to do their own part by allowing God to restore health to the family's body- to allow God to be the center and to set aside their own differences. The family is the patient and God is the healer. The body of Christ is often in need of healing-I believe that God wants to restore health and to remove division- and I believe it is pleasing to Him to do this.

Let us not forget how powerful the family is. Let us not forget the importance of coming together and raising one voice to God- worshipping Him with a oneness of heart, mind, and spirit.

Lord, thankyou for this revelation you gave me this weekend!

Thankyou for allowing me to experience your presence

and the overwhelming joy that I believe it brings

to you to see your family- your creation- coming together

and worshipping you. Lord, you are the great clinician,

the great healer and restorer of all imbalances and all

unhealthiness. Come into our hearts Lord and prepare us

to receive the healing. Prepare our hearts and ready our minds

to do the work. Because it is good and all things that you have created

are worth being healed and restored.

Your Child, Stephany

Seeking God in A Sacred Place

2009-01-28T20:59:00.000-05:00

Psalm 139: 1-4

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you percieve my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O Lord.

It is amazing to me how fast time goes by. A coworker of mine recently came to me and said "Stephany, you haven't added anything to your blog since before Christmas!" I knew that it was getting to be a while. Of course- although I haven't written anything recently, I have had some thoughts to share.

In our church service a couple of Sundays ago, one of our readings came from Psalm 139: 1-4 (above). As we read the Psalm, I was reminded of a special song I once used to sing many years ago with people that I dearly love and cherish. They were individuals that I worshipped with fairly often, and it was there that I really came in touch with the closeness of God. This was when I lived in Boone, NC. I moved there full of excitement and energy- 18 years old and ready to face the world on my own! I had decided that it was time for me to move out of "the" house- much to the demise of my parents. They graciously followed my lead, and drove me the four hours it took to get up there- all the while climbing the steep mountain grades. My father was especially brave because he is afraid of heights! But we progressed and climbed that mountain to reach Boone at an elevation of 3,266 feet above sea level. We were really up in the skies and I LOVED IT! There was something so magical for me to be up in those mountains. I can close my eyes now and still imagine myself there once again, on the top of that mountain, looking out to the skyline; seeing the valleys and peaks for as far as one can see. I spent two years there- going to school and working.

I truly believe that God led me there for a specific purpose. Well, many purposes. I believe he saw the desire I had in my heart to know Him better-to draw closer. I moved there not knowing exactly what lay ahead of me but I was hopeful. Among the many struggles I was experiencing at that time in my life, I was suffering with chronic pain in my back that I knew was associated with a mild case of Scoliosis that I have always had. There were many days that I came home from work and laid down on the flat, hard floor just to get some relief. My best friend and roommate was very worried about me. So she invited me to take part in a campus ministry worship service that was tied to the University in Boone. I entered and was instantly surrounded by a warmth and love that I cannot describe. I remember one night a few months later sitting in the middle of a circle and everyone- about 40 people or so- were surrounding me and laying their hands on me. They were praying for me and for the healing of my back pain. It was there that my vision of God began to change. I began to see God as a being that was not only Almighty and Holy but also personal and loving. Over the course of the two years that I lived there, God taught me many things. He also blessed me with some of the Gifts of the Spirit- of which I still cherish to this day. Eventually- God touched my back in a way that I cannot describe. All I can say is that he healed the pain.

Now as I look back at all of the experiences I had with God, I am in awe. I realize now that God was preparing me for greater work- work that I didn't know that I would be doing. So in church a couple of Sundays ago- the Priest was sharing a message that really hit home for me. He said that sometimes "the Holy comes to us in many different ways" and that we must learn the ability of finding the "activity of God". He reminded us that in order to grow we must find out where God is working and speaking. He then talked about Samuel and how he heard God speaking to him but he did not recognize that it was the voice of the Lord. But Eli knew it was God and he told Samuel- "go back, wait and when you hear the Lord's voice say 'yes Lord, I am listening'. The message was that we have to put ourselves in a place, the right atmosphere, where we can hear the voice of the Lord speaking. We must go to the Arc and be there ready, waiting, and open. We have to search for Him.

And as he was saying this I realized that I have felt distant from the Lord's presence lately, not because I have lost my faith but because I have not been putting myself in that place- that sacred holy place- where I am ready, where I am seeking to hear and see Him. You see, this is why I found God so intimately when I lived in Boone. Everyday- I actively sought after Him. I pursued after Him. I looked for his evidence, His presence, and I did feel it. Even now- when I prepare myself before the Lord and go to the Arc, I can feel his presence in the room; a powerful and peaceful presence- standing near me! What an awsome experience! This is when he speaks to me. This is when he tells me the secrets of this life. This is when he gives me inspiration to write- and inspires me with a message to share. My meetings with God at the Arc became a most cherished time for me in Boone. So cherished that I have not shared many of these experiences with others because I know that these experiences would truly challenge some of the many walls we build up around God- believing that he can only touch, heal, or move in a certain way.

During the struggle with my back pain for the better part of the two years I lived in Boone, I frequently sought solace from the Lord and prayed for healing. Well, let me rephrase that- I ASKED the Lord every day to heal me. In fact, I fervently prayed and begged. I knew that he wanted to heal me, but I didn't know when or how. Well, throughout those two years I worked in an outlet mall store- in Blowing Rock, NC (a beautiful place!). One night I was in the store all alone and I was sitting behind the counter praying. There were no customers and I was the only one working that night. The door to the store had a bell on it so everytime the door moved the bell would ring. Well, I was praying and asking God to hear my prayer, and the bell rang. So I quickly stood up and greeted a customer who walked in. I watched as the customer grazed briefly around the store and then left shortly afterwards. As I did, I checked around the store for anyone else, and saw that there was noone else. So, a moment later I decided to write in my journal. As I looked down at the journal I was writing in-I slowly became aware of a figure standing on the other side of the counter to my left. I remember thinking "Who is that? The door didn't ring! There was noone else in here besides me!" But I did not consciously process what I was thinking. I looked up and an elderly man- with white hair-was standing all by himself about 5 feet away from me. I remember that he was smiling and he was very real but he had a special warmth that surrounded Him. A warmth I could not describe. But being that he was so real, I continued with my usual greeting and said "How are you this evening?" He replied while looking deep into my eyes "I'm doing fine. But how are you?" I replied and then quickly looked back down at my work. A moment later I looked up again and he was gone. The door to the store had not moved. I realized at that moment that God had a sent an Angel to me- to give me a message that he WAS there and that he WAS listening! He wanted me to know that he cares very deeply for me. I quickly broke down in tears because I realized how special I must be to Him, for Him to send me an Angel to give me that message in person! Little did I know at that time, but that was only the first sign among multiple types of manifestations that I would experience of Him, and it was the beginning of a process of healing for my back.

So now- everytime I feel as if I am far away from the Lord and I can't hear his voice, I am reminded by His Spirit that I have got to seek Him. I must search and prepare my self. I must go to that secret- sacred place and be listening for Him. It is there that I have experienced His presence in ways that would blow your mind and would most certainly challenge the box that you and I put God in. The words of that song remind me of this special time I had with the Lord: "Oh Lord, you've searched me and you know me, Oh Lord, you've searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise. You can hear my thoughts from afar. Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely oh Lord". That song will always remind me of the specialness of that time in my Life.

Finding Hope in a New Child

2008-12-22T00:16:00.001-05:00

Wow! I can't believe it is almost Christmas! The days have snuck by me and I haven't posted in a while. Sorry to my dedicated followers- :) You might like to know however that everyday I have at least one thought where I go, "wow, that would be a great topic for a posting in my blog!" and then I think about it for a while until I file it into the back of my mental filing cabinet. Unfortunately, I sometimes go to that filing cabinet and when I open it up, the files are a mess! Not organized at all- sometimes I find a file back there that I haven't looked at in a long time and I think "Wow, this is neat". HAHA. Well, more about my mental filing cabinet later............

So, I was talking to my father on the phone earlier and we often have very intellectual conversations. :) He tells me about the things he knows (religion, philosophy, church history, mathematics, etc) and I tell him about the things I know. Recently we were sharing the sad reality of the fact that so many people have no hope. I told him that I work with hopeless individuals. THEY are not hopeless but they believe that they are or that their situations are, and they FEEL hopeless. He asked me how I instill hope in someone without bringing up religion or spirituality. I shared with him that I believe it is a calling to do what I do- and of course I always want to instill hope in the people I work with, but I am only human and I cannot do it myself. I talked to him about general therapeutic topics (discussing things such as their goals for the future, what do you care about?, what is your purpose in life?, what motivates you to keep going?, building self-esteem and confidence by identifying strengths and accomplishments, etc.).

But in all this, sometimes it is other people who minister to each other that brings a sense of hope. I witnessed a powerful exchange between a woman who was overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness and another woman who had overcome tremendous obstacles in her life. The one who felt totally hopeless had attempted suicide and believed her "failed" attempt meant she was a failure. The other woman was actively overcoming a serious drug addiction. I watched as this woman told the other "You are not worthless!" "You are a special person and everything is going to be okay!" About 10 times she said to the woman "You are NOT worthless!" The hopeless woman sobbed. It was one of those moments where, as a therapist, I had to work very hard at not being overwhelmed with emotion because it was obvious that God was at work.

So, let us remember that in the midst of this birth- the birth of Christ - God has not only brought us a Savior, he has brought us HOPE. I believe that hope is one of the messages of the new birth- the Birth of Christ: All things are made new- All things are made holy- All things can have a new beginning. I pray that those who have lost hope will have their hope restored within the celebration of the Savior's birth- and that they will become keenly more aware of His presence. God brings HOPE to all people and we will see that HOPE brought out to others as this new child is brought into the world once again for all to see. Until then, let us await with great expectation for His arrival. Hope was born in a manger- born among lowly people and meek animals. Hope came in the middle of the night and was welcomed by his lowly mother and father. HOPE will come to those that seek it. Let us be still on the night of Christmas Eve and listen carefully- maybe we will hear, far off into the distance, the cry of a newborn child- a child born in an old manger- who is Christ our King. Let those who hear his cry be filled with hope and peace forever.

Calling God

2008-12-03T17:38:00.000-05:00

In the day in time in which we live, we are surrounded daily by the rush and convenience of technology- cell phones, computers, fancy tvs- all so many ways that we can connect with each other now. The possibilities are endless- text messages, instant message, voicemail, email - this list goes on. So in all of this technology, I have become more aware that over time I have become more and more dependent on the 30 or more friends that I have stored in my phone and that I can usually call at a moments notice. If I try to call them and reach their voicemail... no problem! I can just sent them a text or page them! Noone is really inaccessible these days.

Lately, I have been going through some difficult times and I have found that lately, as soon as I am near my phone, I have the urge or almost a craving per se, to call someone. Sometimes anyone I know that cares will do but at others times it is someone specific. One advantage I have to where I am in life is that I know sooo many people that I care deeply for and that care deeply about me. They are those kind of relationships that are irreplaceable. Sometimes I just want to call so I can talk about what's bothering me or just to hear the good friend's voice.

Today I got in my car after one of "those" days and had the desire to talk to someone, to share my feelings. It was then that I realized that out of all those people saved in my phone list, God was not in there. I felt the prescence of God in the car and I believed that I could hear the Lord's voice at that moment saying "Stephany, call me first. I am waiting on the line for you. Just come to me, all you who are weary and I will give you rest." I was convicted and felt the call of the Lord- calling my heart to speak to Him; to share my hurts and fears with Him. He is the only one who can truly understand. He is the only one who truly knows my heart and who can give me the very best advice.

Why is it that we struggle so much with calling God first? Why do we hesitate to do this and instead run to the conveniences we have- the cell phones, the text messages, the instant messages, the voicemails? None are as good or as fulfilling as calling God. So, as an act of reverence for Him, God now has his own entry in my phone, squeezed right between Georgia(my cousin) and Grandmother! I even gave him a phone number! 1-800-777-7777. :) So now every time I open my phone and look at the list of choices and think- "who can I call?" I will look at my list of contacts and see GOD right there- waiting on the other end of the line to answer my call. Of course, doing this is only an act of symbolism for me- an effort to tie me closer to Him in our cyber-world, a way for me to stay closer to him in our modern days. But although it may seem silly- I believe it is what God wanted me to do. So I will be reminded- He is waiting for me to call upon him............... all the time.

Psalm 145:17-20 says
"The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him but all the wicked he will destroy".

I will love you all of the days

2008-11-15T08:53:00.000-05:00

This morning I had the special priviledge of sleeping late- getting to stay in bed later than usual is always a bonus! This morning, Benjamin climbed in the bed with me and snuggled up. He said "Mommy, I will love you all of the days". I replied, "Really? How many days is that?" He said "All of them". Then he said "God will always love us, even when we die. God will never stop loving us." I thought "Wow! What deep theology from a four year old!" Benjamin's understanding of God is so simple yet so complete- little does he know that he has grasped a concept that so many struggle with. He will love us no matter what- no matter when. He loved us when he created us and breathed life into us and yes, when death has come upon us.

In my work, I talk to people daily who consider taking their own lives as a way of escaping from or solving their unbearable pain. There are others who attempt to do so and get very close to succeeding. They wake up in ER's or ICUs and realize that they had not made it- only they had really succeeded in shocking and scaring everyone that loves them so much. One individual that really stands out to me was a person who had attempted to take his own life but ended up in safety instead. Whether this person knew it or not, God had extended his hand of grace to him. God had rescued him and then he came to realize the enormity of what he did and almost did. He was so thankful to have a second chance at life that he thanked everyone who helped him. It seemed as if he had a moment when he realized that, even if he had succeeded in taking his own life, he still would have been loved by God anyway. Of course, God would be deeply saddened by this- but it would not take away His love for the human.

No matter what we do, no matter how we try to push God away from our lives- God still loves us. So let us remember that not only are we loved and cherished by Him, we are unique and we each have a special place in His heart. My prayer is that for everyone I know, that they come to an understanding of what a child can so simply put into words "God will always love us, even when we die. God will never stop loving us".

Growing in the face of Conflict

2008-11-14T01:01:00.000-05:00

Today I had to face a situation that I fear the most. I do not like conflict and I am not sure why. I am learning that to be a good therapist, I have to grow a good backbone- or "thick skin" one might say. I faced the conflict with fear but also with a quiet confidence that God was with me and that I was not doing it with wrong intentions. All in all, I am glad that I did it because I needed to. I didn't want to- but I had to. I am learning that God sometimes allows us to be in situations where we have to face our fears.

So why are some of us so afraid of conflict and others of us so ready to engage in it? Where does the fear of conflict come from? Does it represent for some a loss of control- the bringing on of chaos? Does it represent for some that they may no longer be loved or liked? I think that the fear of conflict is related to having anxiety over the need to maintain control- like trying to prevent animosity and hard feelings from rising to the surface. For some reason so many people are raised to believe that it is not okay to have hard feelings with another. So many are afraid of anger. If we believe that it is not healthy to express some negative emotions like anger or dissapointment in something, then we may refrain from engaging in a conflict. So, how do we overcome this need to maintain control over not only our environment and those around us but also to maintain constant control over our emotions? It is not healthy to believe one should maintain stiff and stuffy control over one's emotions at all times. Sometimes it is GOOD to FEEL. Feel the emotions that are natural but feel them fully with all self control in place so in that we do not hurt ourselves or others in the process.

So what is the purpose of healthy conflict? Healthy conflict raises questions- raises awareness of issues that may not otherwise be brought to the surface or addressed. Done in a healthy manner, conflict can birth new ideas and bring about needed change. Sometimes conflict is necessary in order to bring about something new. So, let us not be afraid. Let us grow a backbone and learn Godly ways of entering conflict. Let us be led by the Spirit to help us through the times where we have to stay in control of our emotions and at the same time, not be afraid of them. Let us allow God to bring us to a place where we are willing to allow Him to use our emotions in a positive and productive way. The negative emotions can sometimes be the catalyst of something good, or something new. Emotion was created by God, just as the ability to think was created by God. Speaking of which.........How does God use our mind, our ability to think? Is it possible that God wants us to ask the tough questions- sometimes questions that we might shy away from for fear of questioning His authority. Let us not be afraid of hearing God, following his will, and most importantly.........growing.

Let Me Not Forget to Tremble

2008-11-08T19:16:00.000-05:00

As I am carrying on through my life day to day, it is so easy to forget to acknowledge my reverence to the Holy One. He is always with me, and yet I wonder if I am always "with" Him. Sometimes, my heart and mind wander far away from the center- getting carried away by the stresses of life. Could we come back to the center and reverence Him in our day to day lives?

Lately, I have felt as if God has me on a journey. It already has been a long journey- at times like a spiritual desert where there is no nourishment for my soul and spirit. At other times God has led me to a secret spring- a hidden spring where there is refreshing water- a pouring down of His spirit. Along the way I am aware that God is leading and preparing me and my husband for great things somewhere. He is opening doors gradually for us- letting us see a little bit of the warm light inside. Is he calling us to come in now? Is it time? We have been aware of God's presence in this, fully aware that God is in Control. We are anxiously waiting for the time when we know the direction we should go in. I think I already know.

But in all this trust in God, my fears grow. I struggle with fears that are within and that sap my confidence in my own ability to get through the new journey. Where is the fear coming from? It is hard for me to believe that it is a fear of change- because I love change. I believe it is a fear of becoming vulnerable and setting the controls in God's hands. I think I am also afraid of getting hurt again- making my heart vulnerable to it by putting my heart into the mission, the calling. I am no longer in control and as long as I am not in control- then I can choose to let my fears overcome me or not. This is where I am comforted by knowing that God DOES have it all under his control- that it is not all up to me.

So, how do we overcome fears? If we allow them, fears can grow like a weed in the yard that has not had its roots pulled. We just keep mowing it down but it keeps growing back. Know what you are afraid of- acknowledge your fears and work to overcome them. Think about what your afraid of and train yourself to let go of them- trusting in your faith, trusting in yourself- not looking back and pushing ahead. I have been praying that God would help me press on through the fears and God has been working in my heart. For the past year, God has been slowly prying open the door to that room- the door to the room where my fears lie. For so long, that fear has been shut up in that dark room and locked for extra security. He is calling me to open the door.

As I am walking through and pressing forward through the fears. It is exciting and scary all at once but I am not looking back. I am only looking ahead at what is to come and the blessings from following Gods will. He may be leading me through another valley but even so, I can look at him and tremble because I know that he is Awsome and Almighty- Always in control.

Hear the words of a song by Nichole Nordeman: Tremble

Have I come too casually? Because it seems to me There's something I've neglected
How does one approach a Deity with informality And still protect the Sacred?
'Cause you came and chose to wear the skin of all of us
And it's easy to forget You left a throne
And the line gets blurry all the time Between daily and Divine
And it's hard to know the difference

CHORUS: Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not, Oh, let me not forget to tremble

What a shame to think that I'd appear Even slightly cavalier
In the matter of salvation Do I claim this gift
You freely gave As if it were mine to take With such little hesitation?
'Cause you came and stood among the very least of us
And it's easy to forget you left a throne

CHORUS
The cradle of the grave could not contain Your Divinity
Neither can I oversimplify this love
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me Oh, let me not forget to tremble

God Breathes in All Creatures

2008-11-02T22:59:00.000-05:00

Today we had a celebration of All Saints Day at church. As I listened to the priest give his message, I was struck by the importance of what he said. He talked about the saints that we acknowledge as those special individuals who contributed something so important to our world- who had a deep understanding of the savior and who followed a deeper calling. But he also said this: "God breathes in all creatures". I love that. We are all the saints of God by virtue of the fact that God is IN us and we are IN HIM. I was struck by this thought. God- lives and breathes in me. No matter how unholy I feel or how UN-Christian-like I believe that I am- my small definition of God is not complete. Even if I don't believe that I am a good person- that does not change the fact that I AM a good person. My definition of myself and others and of God does not incorporate the vastness of who God really is and how incredible he really is. His vastness transcends all small understandings I have of the God I know- He really is a God without walls, without limits to what he can do.

We must ask ourselves- In how much of our existence do we wrestle with trying to figure out who is a saint and who is not? Do I see people daily and subconsciously put them into two categories: Saint or not? Is this how God wants me to see others, others that he himself has breathed life into? No- All Saints Day calls us to acknowledge each other as Saints- everyone.

But here's the kicker- I believe that he also wants us to see ourselves as a saint just as easily as we can see others as saints. How many of us struggle with seeing the good in ourselves? To be healthy in multiple areas of our lives- mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, there is a need to discover that our own worth is tied to an understanding that God is within us- and that "because I exist, I have worth". I have met so many individuals in my work who struggle with saying "I am a good person" or "I have worth and I am special". They are so saddened by their mistakes in life, their misfortunes, the struggles they have endured that they have lost that acknowledgment to themselves that God breathes in them. In order for the self-esteem of a person to be healthy, I believe that the person must understand and acknowledge the good in themselves; like finding the gold nugget hidden in the stream of rocks and dirt. Once a person finds that nugget, do they begin to understand their own worth? Are they less likely to take their own life because they are beginning to value themselves as God values them? Have they found a small glimmer of hope? I believe that God wants us to love ourselves as he sees us and loves us.

See God in all the people around you. Remember the scripture "And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else..........For in Him we live and move and have our being. As some of your own poets have said 'We are his offspring'. (Acts 17: 25, 28). Most of all- see God in Yourself.

A Mustard Seed Grows

2008-10-31T23:57:00.000-04:00

I have known about Blogging for many years, and yet it has never fully occured to me that I should do my own..........until now. I became entranced by a blog written by a sweet couple going through a painful and sometimes exciting journey. I read almost all of the entries, although I do not even know these people personally. Something about it really touched me. It was then that I began to realize something new. I had a perfect oppurtunity to express my thoughts in written form! I have always been a writer. I grew up in a family where writing and reading was a natural part of life and we wrote when we had something to talk about- to be reflective. I can remember watching my father write on yellow legal pads with an old pen- writing and writing for hours, about what? I did not know at the time, but now I think I do. I grew up with the sounds of classical music piped through the house and stacks of books everywhere. Maybe this is where some of my love for reading, writing to express oneself, and music was born.

As I got older, I began to use writing as my primary emotional outlet. I was fortunate enough to experience the frequent emotional pain of moving often as a child. I say fortunate because I now believe that without this experience, I would not be as well cultured as I am today. Writing became my primary form of communication- so at times when I was very quiet with others, my written words could express volumes about where I was and how I felt at that time. I always knew that writing was my "thing". More recently, my writings have taken on a more academic form. I went to graduate school and have had to leave my reflective writing to rest for a while. Now, I am aware of a calling within me for both- reflective and academic, heartfelt and heady, purely emotional and scientific. This is where my desire to write is now.

For me, I have always been keenly aware of the intertwining of the spritual needs of a person with their psychological (emotional and mental) needs. I began a love for psychology from an early age (around all those books my dad had :) Well, as I am now older, I have a growing desire to somehow address the two- their importance and their connections. It is impossible to seperate the spirit from the psyche. The spirit of God, the soul of a person, is closely connected with the psychological needs of a person- the need for love, warmth, respect, unconditional positive regard and open, healthy relationships. This is the birthplace of this blog. This is what I would like to make my primary focus here. My hope is that for some it will be spiritually nurturing, for others intellectually stimulating. Most importantly- this blog is about me and my own spiritual journey. Its'a journey of wonder.